SPECIAL TIME: Keeping Relationships Alive

By: Marge Hicke

SPECIAL TIME: Keeping Relationships Alive
(What a difference a small investment of time can make! Try it!)

No question about it! There are not enough hours in the day to do everything! For years I have been an advocate of “Special Time” for parents with their children. But, as I see the deterioration of other relationships, I have begun advocating this time with spouses, significant others, and friends, as well as children and adolescents, as a small step to enhance or rebuild the significant relationships in our lives.

Special Time -- one-on-one time for small amounts of time. Focused attention. A time which is not interrupted (not even for pagers and mobile phones!). A time which is never taken away as punishment or to “get even.” Special Time is a commitment to relationship.

Special Time with children is the easiest to define. It is one parent with one child for a length of ten or fifteen minutes. The optimum frequency is every day, but a consistent time, as often as possible, is more important than no time. This is not a time to remind the child of missed chores or inappropriate behavior. The child is in charge. By that I mean he may choose the activity (except video games and television). She decides if she wants the parent to watch or to participate. Using a timer prevents the parent from becoming the “timekeeper.” Make appropriate eye contact. Enter your child’s world and talk about his interests. Listen. Listen. Listen. Enjoy your child.

When there are older children, Special Time may change in frequency or length. Consistency is paramount and the adult may have to insist, because the job of the adolescent is to resist. Emphatically, this is a time to enter the young person’s world, without trying to rearrange it. Again! Listen! Listen! Listen! The more adults are willing to listen and suspend judgment, the more the older children will trust them with their ideas, opinions, and daily life.

How often in our overcommitted world does our most significant relationship suffer? I meet with couples whose only night out is their visit to my office! The person with whom we have chosen to spend our life deserves ten to fifteen minutes of our individual attention. The relationship deserves a time where we make eye contact and listen to what is shared with us, where we listen without interruption, where we enter the other’s world, suspending our own, for a few minutes.

Many other types of relationships come to mind, for instance, adult children with their parents, parents with their adult children, friends. We can affect the quality of these relationships with Special Time. With these cherished individuals consistency and frequency may vary, but the listening and connecting, one-on-one, often yields a view of the person’s life and heritage that might not otherwise be known.

While Special Time varies with age groups and individuals, several aspects are always present: eye contact, focus on the other, suspension of our own ideas and world, consistency and frequency. However, the most important tool of all is the ability to LISTEN with our hearts.

Margaret A. Hicke, MFT 858-566-4651
marge@thelifeofease.com
©2003

Success Article Source: http://www.bodymindsuccess.com/articles

Marge is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She is the owner of www.thelifeofease.com and co-owner of www.angrykids.com. She is a published author, whose works include an Anger Management Workbook, a Family Journal and Meditation cds. Marge loves her work with people interested in personal growth and has a special place in her heart for parents.

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